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One Big Awkward Moment

May 10, 2010

I’m not afraid to admit that I am the most awkward person I know. I’m proud if it, actually. I embrace my awkwardness. If I had a book about me it would be called: The Life of Emily: One Big Awkward Moment (A Memoir). I might look into publishers soon. Haven’t decided yet. We’ll see how it goes.

Anyways, you know how kids go through “the awkward stage” at like 9-13 (approximately). Well, I feel like I never grew out of that phase. It just sort of stuck with me. And its not like I gradually grew into this. Oh no. I was pretty much awkward from the start of my social life. Lets flash back to 6 year old Emily. 1st grade. Circa 1993:

I’m sitting on the carpet with the rest of my classmates listening to some lame ass story my teacher is reading (what up Mrs. Cignoli!). I want to mention I was cute as a fucking button. CUTE. AS. A. FUCKING. BUTTON. As I’m sure we all remember, it was really cool to wear one strap undone on your suspenders. I distinctly remember wearing white overall jean shorts with purple and pink flowers all over them, a purple shirt, and some sort of kick ass headband my mom made me in my hair. I told you- cute as a button. Anyways, I’m sitting on the carpet and listening to this story and I look down at my overall straps. Much to my dismay, I had BOTH clasped on. The horror! The number of early nineties fashion rules I was breaking was incomprehensible. Luckily, it was easily fixed. I unclasped a strap and I could finally breathe easy. Before I knew it, it was time to get up and go back to our desks. Now, OF COURSE I was the first person to stand up. OF COURSE I was. Unfortunately, my eyes were playing tricks on me that day. OR I was just retarded. Probably the latter, because when I had unclasped my overall strap during story time ONE OF THEM WAS ALREADY UNDONE. Oh yes. I didn’t realize this until I stood up and my overall jean shorts fell to my ankles. Naturally, the whole class laughed at me and I felt like the ultimate fool. However, instead of running away and crying in the bathroom, I tried to play it off like I KNEW it was going to happen. Because 6 year old girls think ahead like that and want to moon the entire class with her Little Mermaid underwear. I will never, ever forget that incident.

FLASH FORWARD 13 years later: 20 year old Emily, circa 2006.

I am in the mall with Andrew. I am now a responsible (ha!) and mature (ha!) adult. When walking into H&M in the Holyoke Mall, Andrew and I split up. He walks towards the guy section and I stick to the gal section. Obviously. Hopefully that would go without saying. After a little while of perusing the clothing, I find nothing I like and try to find Andrew. I spot his green and yellow trucker hat from across the store and start to walk towards him. I also observe that he is standing in front of a rack of red and black striped shirts. I speed walk over before he can walk away and say “Oh my god! I love black and red striped shirts, you should totally get one!” I turn to look at him, and I realize….this is not Drew. THIS PERSON IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND. My face was a mix of

and

My thought process in the next .3 seconds was “oh my god, what do i do? do i run away? do i keep going with this? do i kill myself?”. I chose option number 3. Like my overalls incident, I decided to go with it. So I mumbled out something along the lines of “yeah, you should really buy this shirt. you should just do it. do it.” He then gave me a sympathetic smile, nervously looked around the room (looking for my caregiver, I’m sure), and then walked away. I then proceeded to run out of H&M while texting Drew this exact text “CODE RED. LEAVE STORE NOW. IN MALL. GO.” When Drew finds me outside of the store nervously pacing, I tell him the story. He proceeds to say “THIS IS WHY WE DON’T HAVE NICE THINGS EMILY” and we went to the upstairs restaurant to get some lunch so I could calm down. After 10 minutes of pounding cokes (I was 20), I cooled down. But, LOW AND BEHOLD, who walks in with their girlfriend and sits at the table DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF US? Yep. Red and black striped shirt guy. I mean, really. Naturally, he sees me and quickly breaks eye contact. To make things even more awkward, I make Drew switch seats with me so I don’t have to look at his face while I’m downing my spaghetti.

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, I am awkward. Don’t be afraid of your awkwardness! Embrace it! You will come to terms with it at some point in your lives. Until then, stay out of most public areas.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 12, 2010 9:34 am

    This post cracked me up! I also sported the one strap overall look when I was wyounger, so it’s amazing that the same thing didn’t happen to me.

    • May 12, 2010 9:19 pm

      Thank you! I am glad I am not the only one who took the 90s so seriously as a child!

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