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So like…aliens? or…martians?

June 17, 2010

I KNOW. I know. I suck and I’m sorry. To all 6 of you faithful readers (luv yaz!), I deeply apologize. Between securing a new apartment, packing up all my stuff, unpacking all of my stuff immediately because the lease doesn’t start for another month and guess what- I WILL need my toothbrush before then, and working close to 55  hours a week- I’m a liiittle swamped. I wish I could write about work, but I’m scared so I won’t.

So..anyways. I mentioned in a previous post a little blurb about my alien/baby feet. Someone actually commented on my feet recently, so I took that as a sign to tell the world about..my feetsies.

Feet are gross. Just let that be said. I have all the respect in the world for pedicurists, masseuses, and podiatry doctors. But, really. Why go through life having to look/touch someone elses feet? EW. EW EW EW.

Well, a few years ago I got invited to a classy wedding on the Cape. I took that as an excuse to get a mani/pedi. I had a gift certificate for a salon on the way home from where I worked, so I figured I would go there. It was nice inside. It wasn’t creepy like some nail salons are. I very rarely get my nails done because I think its boring and I bite them, so this was a pretty new thing for me at the time. The woman asked me to pick out a color and I was completely overwhelmed with my options. Who knew that there could be so many shades of pink? Not me! The only shades of pink I was familiar with were the ones that came in my Crayola crayon box.

So I picked a lovely shade of pink to match the details in the dress I was wearing and we got started. She told me that getting my fingernails done was a good choice so when it came time to pay I didn’t have to worry about smudging them when I went into my purse. Completely logical.

Now, as we ALL know, I’m extremely socially awkward. So sitting there in silence (there was no one else at the salon) while we both tried to make small talk was torture. At first, I didn’t know if I should talk to her because I figured she’d need to concentrate. But, then she started asking me all these questions about my life and all I could muster out were one word answers. I HATE it when people give me one word answers, but I do it all the time. I’m sorry, but if you ask “Do you like your nails long or short” I’m going to say either “yes” or “no”.  I will not go into some big long philosophical tangent on WHY I like them long or short, but I’m pretty sure she expected more out of me.

So anyways, after what felt like a life time, she finished my fingernails. She then prepared the foot tub for the pedicure. This included about 5 different perfumes and rose petals. Uh…..k. I hopped into the chair and put my feet into the tub. After about 10 minutes of jets bubbling at my feet and ankles, she took my foot out to start pedicure-ing. She put my foot on the edge of the tub and just sat there for a good 30 seconds. This is when my mind started running rampant. “What is wrong with my foot?” “Doesn’t she look at feet like…everyday?” “They can’t possibly smell!” So I finally asked “Is there something wrong”

She slowly looked up at me and said

“You’re feet look like alien feet…or…baby feet or something”

Um…thanks? What the hell do you say to that? I mean, I toe danced for like 13 years, so I know they aren’t the most attracted things in the world, but really.

“…What do you mean?”
“There aren’t any calluses. There aren’t any rough spots. I don’t really know what else to do”

So..ok. This woman was upset because I was making her job easier by having smooth feet!? Is it really that weird? I’m sorry, I completely forgot to hike up a mountain with no shoes on before I came. Sorry!

We both sat there in silence for another 30 seconds. I seriously thought about throwing my gift card at her and just leaving. Like, what the fuck? What am I supposed to do? Now, not only am I grossed out about feet in general, I now have to feel even more self-conscious about my feet, because apparently they resemble ET’s.

She quickly painted my toenails and sent me on my way.

I have been self-conscious about my feet ever since. I mean, at least baby feet are cute. Feet that belong to someone 12 and older are not cute. Ever.

And, I don’t know. Maybe I’m making too much of a big deal about this, but I’ve never had a pedicure since. Yes, I cut my toe nails and make them look as pretty as possible on my own, but don’t try to bring attention to them. Why? because no one wants to see a 23 year old with 3 month old/alien feet.

Adieu.

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